Blech
by mandaree1
Summary: (Teen!Delinquent AU) Don't party with gnomes and Manotaurs unless you're willing to get sharpied on.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls!**

 **Title: Blech**

 **Summary: (Teen!Delinquent AU) Don't party with gnomes and Manotaurs unless you're willing to get sharpied on.**

 **Warnings: Lots of cussing this time 'round for some reason.**

 **...**

Mabel laughed. Like. Way too much. She's probably being a bad sister right now.

Dipper paid her no mind, dunking his forehead into the stream with an anxious groan. "I swear to god, if this is one of those magic painless tattoos, I'm gonna fucking murder Pubertaur."

Mabel clutched her knee with one hand and her head with the other, bent at a weird angle. She'd probably had waaaay too much sap last night, but it wasn't her fault they'd designed a form of alcohol that was tasty. It was like they were begging her to finally take the plunge into full-throttle alcoholism. "Don't you worry, Dip-Dip. I'll become a Dude Wizard and help you get it off."

"I literally can't wait that long."

"You literally can."

"It's a _dick_ , Mabel."

"It's a very tasteful dick," she reassured him. "Also, I think it's a dick that's coming off."

Dipper blinked at the water. Sure enough, the artwork was starting to smudge. "Oh thank fuck."

She patted him on the shoulder. "Just think of it as punishment for getting your butt kicked by me."

"Why would I consider it a punishment?" Dipper stood, then stumbled, looking like he may throw up. "If anything, the hangover is punishment enough."

Mabel nodded soulfully. "You're right. It's a gift to get obliterated by me."

"Let's just go back to sleep," he grumbled, yanking her away from the stream. Mabel followed, surprisingly chipper for someone who'd yet to have coffee or Mabel Juice. It was probably the dick.

Unfortunately, by the time they returned, the party was breaking up, so it would no longer be polite to pass out on the nearest stump. The gnomes skittered off into the forest with Candy in the middle- Dipper got the feeling he'd been quite purposefully ditched, but he didn't exactly care, either.

"LADY MABES!" Leaderaur roared in greeting. His features soured as he caught sight of her brother. "AND LADY MABES' WEAKLING BROTHER."

"I feel so blessed," Dipper said. "That's the nicest way anyone has referred to me in the last twenty-four hours."

"You _did_ lose a battle," Clark chipped in helpfully. "It's hard to come back from that, dude."

"Thanks, man."

"No prob."

Leaderaur bent down to inspect the duo and their disheveled state. Finally, he pointed at Dipper. "YOU WEAR THE HAIR OF A NON-MAN, WHELP, AND YOUR BODY REEKS OF PERFUME. WHERE IS YOUR DIGNITY?"

Dipper pointed at his forehead. "Dude, I think I've lost all rights to my dignity."

Mabel not-so-helpfully snorted.

"Secondly, that's not perfume. That's musk. I haven't showered in, like, _four days_. And it's gross. And if you really think perfume smells anything like what I'm reeking of right now, you _might_ wanna get your nose tested." The boy grabbed his hair, yanking it front and center. " _This_ is a mullet, which is _totally_ manly, in a 'I'm troubled and I need help' kinda way. It's in a braid because my sister is an artistic genius, and it keeps it out of my way. As for your opinion..." He held up two middle fingers, eyebrows raised. "This is what I think of your opinion, motherfucker."

" _Holy shit_ ," Mabel wheezed, mouth hanging open. "Dipper, you're my hero. I love you so much right now."

"Do you love me enough to buy me breakfast?"

"Now, let's not get too hasty."

"Fine." He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Then you can buy me breaky out of pity."

" _That_ I can handle." Mabel lazily waved behind her. "Bye, Leaderaur! Have fun icing your burnt pride!"

The large Manotaur stared after them both, dumbfounded. He wasn't entirely sure what he was supposed to say to any of that, but he was sure that Lady Mabes was banned from the Man Cave for a week or so.

 **Author's Note: I have no idea, ya'll. This was almost completely inspired by "Don't Threaten me With a Good Time", which is the most in-canon song for this AU I've heard yet. So take hungover Dipper and Mabel stumbling off into the sunrise after partying too hard.**

 **-Mandaree1**


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